• Democrats Take Control of the House: A Closer Look
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    Democrats Take Control of the House: A Closer Look

    -The Democrats won back control of the House of Representatives tonight for the first time in eight years, putting President Trump’s agenda… [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, it happened. …putting President Trump’s agenda in serious danger. For more on this, it’s time for “A Closer Look.” [ Cheers and applause ] Well, cable news was unanimous — it was a blue wave. -When you look at what’s going on here tonight, this is not a blue wave. -So, we haven’t seen the blue wave. -There is not a blue wave forming. -It’s not a blue wave. -This is not a blue wave. -It is not a blue wave. -So,…

  • Fake News Investigative Journalists
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    Fake News Investigative Journalists

    – Okay people, what have you got for me? – So I have been working on this story about how Harry Reid is a murdering satanist fascist rapist atheist. Is that too many things? – I don’t think that’s enough things. Chris, what have you got? – Donald Trump says, “What?” – It’s a good start, but what does he say? – I don’t know. – Alright, well figure it out by two and it had better not be true this time. – Oh, come on! Everything the guy says sounds fake. – That’s not my problem. Terry. – I’m working on a story on conflicts of interest in government.…

  • If Action Heroes Had Your Resume
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    If Action Heroes Had Your Resume

    (lighthearted music) – Before you say anything, the other guy started it. – I don’t want to hear it. What the hell is wrong with you, Max? Another bar fight? You’re better than this. God, in all my years of sector command I’ve never met a prospect like you. This is one hell of an impressive resume. Bachelor’s degree in English with a minor in film studies, a 2.92 GPA, proficiency in Microsoft Office. – I know what I can do. – And you’re throwing it all away, Max. America needs you. What if we need to do a mail merger, build our macros in Excel? – I guess you’ll…

  • Articles

    Fitting In (Hogwarts Houses!) | Sanders Sides

    T: Neville gonna give you up. Neville gonna let you down. Neville gonna turn around and– J: Petrificus Totalus! (Intro Music) T: What is up everybody? Goodness, can you believe how far through this year we’ve already gotten? Summer is basically over, school is starting back up here in America, and Halloween is just around the corner! L: Ah, Halloween. Is that the reason for your new… um plum-pigmented pili? T: Logan, look at you with the purple hair It is very becoming. L: Becoming a nuisance? Is that what you were trying to say? How is anyone supposed to take me seriously when your head looks like Barney’s unshaven…

  • Obama Releases Birth Video at the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner
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    Obama Releases Birth Video at the 2011 White House Correspondents Dinner

    President Barack Obama: Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video. (Laughter.) Now, I warn you — (laughter) — no one has seen this footage in 50 years, not even me. But let’s take a look. (“Secret Birth Video” plays.) [It’s a clip from the “The Lion King” movie.] (Applause.) Oh, well. Back to square one. (Laughter.) I want to make clear to the Fox News table: That was a joke. (Laughter.) That was not my real birth video. (Laughter.) That was a children’s cartoon. (Laughter.) Call Disney if you don’t believe me. (Laughter.) They have the original long-form version. (Laughter.)

  • Only One Property Brother is Single!
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    Only One Property Brother is Single!

    – Welcome to the show. – It always feels good to come hang out with ya. – [Steve Harvey] Always good man. Good to see you again. Drew? – [Drew] Yep, yup. – Got married since the last time I saw ya. – Yeah you know what no big deal. – [Steve] Congratulations, how was the wedding? – It was amazing, it was beautiful. You were missed because if you do remember I asked you to be one of my groomsmen but you didn’t return my calls, it hurts. But anyway we had a blast it was in Italy south of Puglia or in Puglia south region, yeah. – [Jonathan]…

  • If Internet Ads Were Salesmen
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    If Internet Ads Were Salesmen

    (clicking) – (pops) Well, lookie here! Looks like we got someone in the market for a new pair of shoes, hmm? – Oh, I just got them, so I’m not looking anymore. – A guy who knows what he likes and takes it. – I’m sorry, who are you? – Oh, I’m just a door-to-door targeted salesman and buddy, and I’m here to help. – A targeted salesman? – That’s right. I know your entire internet history, your likes, your dislikes, your friends, family, age, sex, location, where you’ve been, where you’re going, favorite websites, and it’s all to get you the stuff you want when you want it! –…

  • How Dare You! w/ Michelle Dockery
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    How Dare You! w/ Michelle Dockery

    -Now, Michelle, on “Downton Abbey,” you play the extremely proper, unshakable Lady Mary Crawley, who speaks in a very dignified tone. -That’s right. -Ah, well. I wanted to try a game with you. I thought it would be fun if we took turns complaining about everyday, annoying things, but in the fanciest, most highbrow way possible. It is time for “How Dare You?” [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ How dare you ♪ ♪ How dare you, ah ♪ [ Laughter and applause ] [ Harpsichord music playing ] -Dearest Oreo Thins, I would like to address you for a brief moment, if I may. Now, I will admit that…