If Internet Ads Were Salesmen
Articles,  Blog

If Internet Ads Were Salesmen


(clicking) – (pops) Well, lookie here! Looks like we got someone in the market for a new pair of shoes, hmm? – Oh, I just got them, so
I’m not looking anymore. – A guy who knows what
he likes and takes it. – I’m sorry, who are you? – Oh, I’m just a door-to-door targeted salesman and buddy, and I’m here to help. – A targeted salesman? – That’s right. I know your entire internet history, your likes, your dislikes, your friends, family, age, sex, location,
where you’ve been, where you’re going, favorite websites, and it’s all to get you the stuff you want when you want it! – I just needed a new pair of shoes and I got them, so thanks, but no thanks. (whooshes) How did you– – Oh, I’m everywhere,
and a good thing for you and for your wallet. Now, I don’t show this to just anyone, but I can tell you’re a savvy customer, so here is something that you are guaranteed to like. – Yeah, those are the shoes I just bought. – I knew you’d like them. – Yeah, but I just bought them, so I don’t need another pair. – Ooh boy! You are one tough
customer, you know that? But that’s alright. You’ve got high standards, and I’ve got the high quality goods to match. So let me ask you this, would you like a shirt that is designed not to be tucked in, huh? – No. – Really? – What about my search history made you think I’d want that? – You know what? Forget about it. I’ll bring it up later, okay? – Please don’t. – Now, we have to talk Doc McStuffins. How many Doc McStuffins toys can I put you down for? Eight? 10? 100? More? What do you want? – No, I don’t like Doc McStuffin, I was just looking for
a gift for my niece. – Oh, sure. Alright, I
see what’s going on here. Now, if you decide you want some Doc McStuffins toys for your niece, you just come to me,
okay, because I’ve got all the Doc McStuffins merchandise. McStuffins videos,
McStuffins coloring books, McStuffins pencils, I’ve got it all, and I’ve got it all right here! – Okay, no. Stop. It was a one-time purchase. – Now does that guy know
I’d love to donate sperm. – No, I don’t know what I could have possibly clicked on to
make you think that! – Okay, forget about it. What you really need is a shirt that’s designed not to
be tucked in, right? – Goddammit. – Or how about these shoes? – I just got shoes. – But these are a
slightly different color. – I don’t need two pairs of nearly identical shoes! – Now, any of these products
aren’t relevant to you, you just let me know, okay? – None of them are relevant. – Great, now I saw you click something that makes me think you want 40,000 live ladybugs. (insects buzzing) – I just clicked that
link ’cause I thought it was a funny thing on Amazon, not because I’d ever want to buy them. – Okay, but you did click it, so you’re kind of interested, right? Is it the number that’s the problem? ‘Cause we could do less, maybe 20,000 live ladybugs? (buzzing) – For something that’s supposed to know me so well, you
do a really shitty job. – Do you need to refinance
your student loans? (sighs) I saw you were on Zillow.
Do you need a mortgage? (groans angrily) I could save you money on the LSAT! – I don’t want to be a lawyer! – Well, at least let me show you some baby clothes I know you’ll love. – I don’t need ’em. My girlfriend’s not pregnant, so. – Oh, she didn’t tell, oh. Oh. – Oh fuck. – Well, how about a shirt
you don’t have to tuck in? Hi, it’s Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things, and send help to keep me from sinking. Please. Please help. Please help.

100 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *