on “Downton Abbey,” you play the extremely proper,
unshakable Lady Mary Crawley, who speaks in
a very dignified tone. -That’s right. -Ah, well. I wanted to try a game with you. I thought it would be fun
if we took turns complaining about everyday,
annoying things, but in the fanciest,
most highbrow way possible. It is time for “How Dare You?” [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ How dare you ♪ ♪ How dare you, ah ♪ [ Laughter and applause ] [ Harpsichord music playing ] -Dearest Oreo Thins, I would like to address you
for a brief moment, if I may. Now, I will admit that at times
I certainly do appreciate a novelty, an unconventionality, a peculiarity of form, but this is quite simply
a bridge too far. When one thinks of an Oreo,
what is brought to mind is not a diminutive,
cracker-like wafer! Any true Oreo should have
the substantial girth of a genuine sandwich cookie! Oreo Thins, you are a travesty
and an embarrassment, which is why I am sadly left
with no choice but to say, “How dare you?” [ Slap ] -How dare you? [ Slap ] -How dare you, I say! [ Slap ]
[ Laughter ] -I would like to steal a moment
if I could, Jimmy, to address a most unfortunate
and unsatisfactory acquaintance. I am naturally speaking
of that putrid invention, the air mattress. If I had a predilection for
sleeping inside a bouncy castle, I would spend the night
inside a Chuck E. Cheese. You are good at neither holding
air, nor being a mattress. You leave me bone-weary
and with only one thing to say. How dare you?
[ Cheers and applause ] -How dare you, air mattresses? [ Slap ] -How dare! [ Slap ] -Michelle, there is something that I must get off my chest. -By all means. -[ Clears throat ] To whom it may concern,
in regards to airline patrons who place
their heavy winter coats in the overhead bin. That is a sacred space
for bags and bags alone. Perchance you accidently
put your manners in the bin, as well, for it appears
you have none. Place your wares under the seat
like the rest of us, and good day to you, sir! -“Good day,” he said. -I said, “Good day!” [ Slap ] [ Laughter ] -Jimmy, Jimmy.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Yes?
-Jimmy, I — Jimmy, I fear
I have another grievance. -The floor is yours. -How dare you, the movie “Hustlers”?
For I saw you on Friday night, and now I can think nor speak
of nothing else. I have fallen into
a post-“Hustlers” despair. J.Lo, Constance Wu, Lizzo, Cardi B. all in one film, and J.Lo is 50. Why does she look this way? [ Laughter ] I should have brought
my smelling salts to the cinema, for I nearly passed out
numerous times. That many powerful women
in one film is simply an overload
of the senses that left me breathless,
gasping for air. And for that, again,
I say, “How dare you?” [ Slap ] [ Cheers and applause ] -How dare you, “Hustlers”?! [ Slap ]
And how da– And how dare you, J.Lo? [ Slap ] -How dare you look that good,
J.Lo? [ Slap ] -What will we see now? Only one film
can top “Hustlers,” and that’s “Downton Abbey,”
of course. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Slap, slap ] -Naturally. -Shall we do one more? Shall we do one more together?
[ Slap ] -Yes.
-I, Jimmy Fallon. -And I, Michelle Dockery. -Have a bone to pick with bees.
-Have a bone to pick with bees. -Sting me once,
shame on you. -Sting me twice, shame on me. -Sting me three times? -How dare you?
-How dare you? [ Slap, slap ] -How dare you,
and good day to you, sir! -Good day.
-Good day! -Good day!
-How dare you? -How dare you? [ Slap, slap ] -My thanks to Michelle Dockery!