A Tornado Outbreak in the Midwest & A Whitney Houston Hologram Tour | The Daily Show
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A Tornado Outbreak in the Midwest & A Whitney Houston Hologram Tour | The Daily Show


We begin with news
out of the Midwest. Recently, they have faced
a record number of storms, and it looks like
it’s only about to get worse. WOMAN:
Breaking overnight. Get out. Emergency evacuations
and dramatic rescues after heavy flooding hits
the Midwest and the South. An entire region slammed
by powerful tornadoes for a fifth straight day. Tens of millions
in the danger zone once again. Since the tornado threat
began here on Saturday, there have been
133 reported tornadoes, more than 30
just in the last 24 hours. Over 130 tornadoes in five days. That is terrifying. Oh, mostly because tornadoes
are the worst natural disaster. Like, they’re super destructive, and it feels like
they make it personal, you know? No, because, like, hurricanes and floods
affect entire regions. A tornado just wants your house. (laughter) Just flies in, like, “Wah!” And then, you’re like,
“What about my neighbor?” “No, no.” 130 tornadoes. That is insane. I also feel bad for the land
of Oz. They probably got houses
dropping on them every 15 minutes. Yeah, it’s just witch funerals
up there 24/7. And I get killing
the wicked ones, but at some point,
it’s just witch genocide. Let’s be honest, people. And look,
when you see this many tornadoes in this amount of time,
you have to ask yourself if this is part
of climate change. Because today, just today,
a new climate report came out saying
that things are getting worse. Sea levels could rise by six
feet by the end of the century, which means cities like New York
and Miami could be under water. Yeah, it’s really bad news. Statistically, the only person
that will survive that is Shaq. That’s it. Just him by himself. Yeah. (laughter) He’ll be like,
“I know the whole world died, “but the fact
that Charles Barkley is gone made it all worth it.” (laughter, applause) But let’s move on from real
tornadoes to a human tornado. Last night, a woman
in California led police on a car chase in an RV. Now, luckily,
no people or animals were hurt. But please brace yourselves for one of the craziest things
you’ve ever seen. WOMAN: A wild police chase
near Los Angeles last night involving a stolen motor home. A woman behind the wheel crashed
into a parking lot tree, ripping off part of the
front end of the windshield. She also hit several cars
during the chase. At one point,
a dog could be seen hanging out of the open windshield
before it jumped out. It all ended
when the motor home hit a car. Goddamn! (laughter) That was like a Grand Theft Auto
mission in real life. When I saw that, I grabbed
my control by instinct. Like, “Got to get this
to the warehouse before the meth blows up
in the back. Come on!” Like, I’m surprised
that everyone was-was fine when they walked away
from this thing. And it’s crazy to watch an RV
causing all that chaos. ‘Cause it’s basically
a high-speed chase that you can follow on Zillow,
you know? It’s just like, “Oh, shit. “Look at this. Two bedroom. Oop. Now it’s a one bedroom.” (laughter) Like, you realize
this was so insane, that even the woman’s dog
was trying to escape. Like, that’s when you know
you’ve gone too far– when your dog’s trying
to abandon you. Yeah. Because dogs are
ride-or-die, right? I’ve seen homeless people
with dogs. Dogs will stick with you
through thick and thin. That’s why we love them. But that dog was like,
“All right, I know two things. “Peanut butter’s delicious,
and this bitch is crazy. I’m out! I’m out!” (applause and cheering) In other news–
Washington state. It’s the state
with legalized pot… (cheering) …assisted suicide,
fans in the audience. (laughter) And now, a new way
to get rid of your body. WOMAN: Washington state is now
the first in the nation to allow composting
of human remains. Governor Jay Inslee signing
the new law on Tuesday. The remains are mixed
with wood chips and other material
and then turned into soil. It’s an alternative to regular
burials or cremation. Lawmakers say those methods
are bad for the environment because they release chemicals
and carbon. Wow. I like how this is
the newest way to go green. Just throw your relatives
in the ditch. Yeah. That’s some
next-level recycling. I mean, now we’ve got paper,
plastic and Grandpa. Nice job. Nice job. (laughter) Seriously, though, this… (applause) This is a cool idea, right? Instead of polluting the earth
with a burial, or polluting the sky
with a cremation, you can just create compost,
right? You just create com-post. Is that how Americans say it? And you can use it
to grow a vegetable garden. And then, when you have people
over for dinner, they’ll be like, “This is
delicious. What’s your secret?” You can be like, “Oh, it’s
Phyllis. That’s what it is.” (laughter, groaning) And I’ll be honest.
I support this. I think
everyone should have the right to choose
how they’re gonna be buried. That’s why, when I die, I want to get buried
in a McDonald’s ball pit. Yes.
I like to bring joy to children. -(laughter, groaning)
-It makes life interesting. And finally,
in entertainment news, if you don’t like being buried or turned into compost
after you die, technology is giving us
another option. Whitney Houston fans
could have an opportunity to see the late singer
in concert even seven years
after her death. The pop icon’s estate says
it’s planning to launch a Whitney Houston
hologram tour and a new album. The show will include
recordings of the late singer, along with a live band
and backup singers. Nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope. No. I’m sorry, but no. A hologram tour of Whit…? Like, no one should buy tickets just to watch a hologram,
all right? And worse, if you get the crappy
seats, can you imagine? Now you’re in the nosebleeds
watching the jumbotron. Like, if you’re paying $80 to
watch a jumbotron of a hologram, -kill yourself.
-(laughter) Turn your ass into compost. Why do we, like, why are we
having a hologram perform? Like, you know
what I would pay for, I’d pay for an audience member
hologram, yeah, and then he goes to the concert,
and then I stay at home and play video games
with my hologram best friend. That’s what I want to do. Like, I don’t understand why we
keep using hologram technology to revive artists– we already
have artists, all right? We need to use it
to create things we don’t have. Like, we should make a hologram
of immigrant fathers who aren’t afraid
to say “I love you,” yeah? No, because that’s one thing…
if you have an immigrant father, you know what I’m talking about. They never say the phrase,
“I love you.” Yeah. One time my cousin was like,
“I love you, Dad,” and his dad was like,
“Okay, good luck, eh?”

48 Comments

  • Paul Gaittens

    Well I mean to be honest it was the way people were supposed to be buried it's the circle of life energy is given to you and it is your job to give that energy back at the end of your life it's how you live on if you burn the energy you've wasted all of the energy that you had while you were alive that's a huge waste of everything and that's no good for anyone not to mention if you put yourself in a box that box is going to wind up rotting anyways but that's after your flesh has rotted and turned into a paste at the bottom of that coffin because bugs will have a difficult time getting to you if you're buried in mulch bugs can do their job and turn you back into dirt energy which then returns you back to the cycle of life

  • Agimaso Schandir

    Isn't that what Gorillaz is. Whitney Houston isn't the only artist being parlayed as a hologram. An early attempt was Savaldor Dali of himself and Alice Cooper

  • Backinblack Bunny

    130 tornadoes pshaw! That's totally normal. At least that's what the little speaker Charles Koch installed in my skull is whispering to me. A man who made the 8th richest human on the planet by oil extraction and plastic manufacturing wouldn't lie, right?

  • Juan Manuel Penaloza

    For those of you asking, Japan is not impressed since they see hologram concerts of better singers…look up Hatsune Miku. She's basically sayin' "You're welcome ya crack ho."

  • Nine Ball

    No such thing as witch genocide in a Christian nation since the bible tells us to burn the witch. This doesn't end well these days since most men accuse women of witchcraft just because they wear head scarves(not making that up).

  • Nico Steffen

    When you use bodies for compost, and you eat the vegetables that grew in it, is it then indirect cannibalism?

  • cats dogs baby

    So I can legally kill someone in Florida with a stand your ground law. Then take them to Washington State to get rid of the body.

  • TheErnieforss

    What's up with all the kids in the office when signing the compost bill. They seem so happy they get to make fertilizer out of their dead parents.

  • zizoboy heaven

    have you ever seen a tree above a grave ? .. its very scary .
    bury your dead people .. dont listen to comedians about this or any thing..they lack knowledge.

  • jalila love

    Composting remains is fine if the person did not die from an infectious disease, and unfortunately our laws prevent discrimination and would prevent the enforcement of such policy that would protect us from disease. Maybe not the best idea we've had to prevent carbon emissions?

  • funky unicorn

    Maybe the people who voted for this stupid scumbag who is twisting climate change and weather will think about his reelection while looking at their 'houses'.

  • Victoria Profitt

    I’m fine with hologram concerts when it’s made up people, like vocaloid is amazing, but I don’t think it’s nice when it’s people who have passed. That just seems disrespectful to make money off of them once they’re gone. It’s obviously just greedy people who want money, they don’t actually care about the deceased.

  • 1mezion

    You got to love that dog even the dog says Get me the f#$% outta here this be one mofo crazy ass bitch
    Also let's face it serial killers have been composting people for years.
    As far as the Hologram concert is is concerned I don't see how you can go to that thing I do anything other than cry

  • Hayley Moritz

    Regarding the RV chase: everyone survived, but they were not fine. The guy in the white car at the end suffered a punctured lung and a broken bone in his back, which are both serious injuries that could cause problems for that guy for the rest of his life.

  • Smaragdwolf

    poke Trevors shoulder and give him a post-it [dont tell Japanese, that you dont like Holograms. Hatsune Miku' s Fans will chase you]

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